Wednesday, December 22, 2010

愿望的代价

妈妈 患上 癌症 死去然后变成单亲家庭的故事 是非常经典的 故事。是的,是非常 经典 且 戏剧化 的情节。妈妈为了替家里省钱,而迟迟不去把肿瘤割掉,导致良性肿瘤变成癌症,结果最后被逼接受电疗,头发 似秋叶般脱落的画面,也只能在电视荧幕上看得见。

刚刚,我去了医院一趟,去探望我的母亲。第一次,母亲的冬至在医院里过。

我到底能为他做什么?我看着母亲消瘦的身影,思考……无论我做什么都不够好……我,应该怎么办才好?母亲怎样才会好起来?虽说我能替她打理家里的琐碎事,但是,我还是希望她能继续做。说来很难听,但孩子都希望做家务的不是自己。说得难听,就是 懒惰;说得好听,就是那是妈妈存在的证明。

作为一名科学系学生,我忽然觉得自己毫无能。明明是学过的东西,却不能活用知识……是我经验不够,还是没学好?至少,我想从母亲的饮食上帮上一点儿忙,可是我竟然忘了,癌症患者 到底 能吃什么?和 不能吃什么?

老早我就劝她把瘤给割了,可是她希望服中药能治好,因为手术费很贵,另一方面,她不想再进入手术室了。

本来,两个星期前,医生向她说不会有事的,但后来事情并不是这么乐观。医生不能向病患保证些什么,母亲应该知道的,但她还是选择相信医生的话,不会有事的。结果那百分之十的几率发生了。

私人医院的医生果然不是什么好东西……明明当时割除的肿瘤旁边就有另一个较小的肿瘤,可他并没有顺手把它割了,留下了 癌细胞 的火种。结果变成了现在这种田地……

这系列的治疗将会是母亲必须面对的一场长仗。再过些日子,她的头发会开始脱落,开始需要戴帽子……爱美的母亲能接受得了吗?这已经不是她能选择的事了……

基本上,母亲不会死去,但我的心底深处很害怕,害怕她会就这么离开,让我后悔没有好好珍惜我们相处的时间。“我都说过别再为我准备食物了!我自己会煮!”我这样对她说过很多遍,但她总是不听。现在,这段话一直在我的耳际回响。我发现,母亲煮的每一餐饭,做的每一道菜,都是很宝贵的。也许偶尔会想吃到名厨师做的菜,但比起母亲的家常小菜,名菜也只不过是月亮边的星星。

方才,哥哥抱着我哭,哭得我的衣袖都湿了。我嫌他烦,嫌他脏,还笑他,结果一个人的时候,自己不也一样?其实我没什么特别的感觉,只是害怕……

说到伤心的话,最伤心的应该是爸爸……以前,爸爸曾经说过节庆时从不送礼的原因。他曾经像其他人一样会很阔气地特地买些礼物送给亲戚朋友,不过,自从妈妈为了买礼物而发生车祸,他就不再送了。不懂原因之前,我以为爸爸很吝啬,但原来其中背后有着这么美丽的故事。

以前,我曾经怀疑过这个世界上,真的有不离不弃的真爱?父母之间真的存有爱吗?真相,其实就在眼前。深爱着妈妈的爸爸,虽然不太会用言语来表达,但他的行为足以证明这一切。

原来,戏剧也有它的真实……

重要的人已经开始逐一离开我了。这就是实现我的愿望的代价吗?看来,恶魔对我这份愿望还不是闹着玩儿的,而且非常有兴趣,即使说,这是一份很沉重的愿望……

Monday, September 13, 2010

The town with no people

The town with no people
A City With No People

In this city...
There are no people.
The lights are on in all the houes,
But, there is nobody on the streets.
Are there people inside? I peek in a window to find out.
There are people.
But they are with them.
I look in other houses.
These people are with them too.
This city is just like all the rest.
Being with them is fun.
More fun than being with people.
Nobody comes outside anymore.
There are no people in this city.
I will leave this city and go to another one.
I hope that I will meet someone.
Someone just for me.
But if that special someone falls in love with me...
I will have to leave that someone.
Even so, I want to meet that special someone.
This is what I think as I leave the city with no people.

----------------

They Can Do Anything

They...
Can do anything.
They are super-people made by people.
They can be prettier than the real thing.
They can be smarter than the real thing.
They can be whatever people want them to be. Whatever people can dream of.
When the people saw their creation, they thought that their dreams had come true.
Then...
People forgot their dreams. And in time, they invited people to share in a new dream...
A dream they can't wake up from.
But...
Is that the dream that people want?
Is that what happiness is?
They...
Were created to make people happy.
But...
Are people truly happy being with them.
Is this city with no people truly happy?
But...
Are people truly happy being with them?
Is this city with no people truly happy?
I don't know.
Because...
Happiness depends on the individual.
All people are different. No two are the same.
What makes one person happy...
Might make another sad.
People's souls come in all shapes and sizes.
And as time goes on and a person grows,
Their soul can change.
Their hopes and dreams can change.
That's why...
There isn't just one type of happiness.
Then...
There must be a way that I can be happy too.
That is what we all want, isn't it?
To find the person just for you, to find you own happiness...That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

-------------

A Wish that Can't Be Granted
One day I went to a new city.
They are in this city too.
There is no place without them anymore.
They people are with them.
There are as many of them as there are people.
But...
There is only one person just for me...
And I still have not found him.
You are a person, aren't you?
What was that? I should do what with my hand?
Hold it out?
Where aer you taking me?
Is this your house?
Why did you bring me here?
Are you...
The person just for me?
You might be...
But...
Perhaps this person only brought me here...
Because I'm one of them.
Maybe he's just like everyone else. Maybe he just wants me to grant his wishes.
But there is one wish that I can't grant.
If I grant that wish...
I would...

Have to say goodbye forever to the someone just for me.

-----------------------------

Someone Just For Me

Just as I feared...
There's no one here either.
Everyone is inside with them.
Being with them is like living a beautiful dream.
A beautiful dream...
That no one wants to wake from.
They will grant your deepest wishes.
They will do whatever you ask.
They will be whatever you want.
They can do things that you cannot.
But...
There is one thing...
They cannot do.
They can never become people.
They might look like people,
But they are only substitutes.
I know this very well because I am one of them.
Today I look for someone just for me.
Someone wo has love for me alone.
Someone who will love me even if I can't fulfill their wishes.
But...
There is another me.
The other me asks...
Does such a person exist?
I need...
Someone whose love for me is true.
I want...
Someone who loves me without asking anything in exchange.
I hope...
Unless the someone loves me for being me...
They're not someone just for me.
Is this so?
It is.
This someone exists?
He does.
If so...
Then where?
My someone is nearby, I think. Perhaps I already know him.
But...
What if that person does not love you back?
What if that person likes someone...
Other than you?
People aren't like them.
You can't erase their feelings.
People aren't easy to change.
I know.
But people do change.
Their feelings are dynamic.
Feelings of love are more resistant than others.
What if he never loves you?
Then I'll have to decide.
Decide...
And then do what must be done.
Me and the other me.

-----------------

Little by Little

Many days have passed since you...
Brought me to this place.
You still go outside, even when you have me.
You experience many things outside.
And then you come home and tell me about them.
Sometimes, you even take me outside.
Even though I'm one of them.
You tell me that I can do whatever I want with my things, as if we were equals.
Little by little,
The time with you and me passes.
Little by little, the distance is moving.
Yours and my distance.
Little by little, this space becomes yours and mine.
But has the distance between us gotten smaller?
Or has it grown bigger?
I don't know
I do know that I want it to be smaller.
But then the same thing would happen again.
It won't be the same.
This person isn't that person.
It's someone else, people are all different.
Even if people look the same...They're all a little bit different.
No two hearts are exactly the same.
That's why the same thing won't happen.
Then is that person the someone just for me?
I don't know.
But...
I'm starting to hope that he is.
In this place that this person brought me to...
Little by little...
Little by little...
I'm beginning to hope that...
I can start finding happiness.
But...
Someone will come to stop it.
Someone will come to prevent me from finding the someone just for me.
And...
That person will take care of me,
But it's not because I'm me.
That person is kind.
To all people and all of them,
He is kind.
Right.
That person is kind,
And probably not just towards me.
But even if that person is kind to all, his kindness should be a little different each time.
He can't be kind in the same way to everyone...
Because that person is a person.
That's right.
A person's heart can't stay the same forever.
A person's heart changes a little bit every day...
Because that is their nature.
It can be different.
It doesn't always have to be the same.
If he...
Finds in me the things that make me special.
If he likes me because I am me.
If that person takes the time to find what makes me different from the others...
If he likes me because I'm me...
If that happens...
We may be able to become something a little different from before.
I may not have to lose what's most important to me...
Like last time.
What's most important...
What's most important to them and to people...
Is something precious...
Something you can't lose.
The proof that I am who I am...
The special proof.
That proof will tell me who my someone is.
That special, special...
Someone...just for me.
I am you...
And you are me.
That's how I know that...
Inside of me, I'm one full person.
I am happy when that person smiles.
I am happy when that person is near.
Yes.
I am happy...
When that person is happy.
That person is special, different from other people.
You found it!
The thing that makes that person special...
That makes him different from the rest...is that he is him.
I found him.
The person that's precious and special...
The someone just for me.
I hope that person finds them.
The things that he can't do because he is him.
The things that he can do because he is him.
I have found him.
I fell in love with him because he is that person.
Hopefully he will find them.
The things that I can do because I am me,
And the things that I can't do because I am me.
That person will find them.
And then...
Hopefully he will love me...
Because I am me.
Out of all people and all of them...
I want him to find me.
And I want him to love me.
This feeling inside of me...
Is very soft...
But sometimes it hurts.
I become full of this feeling when I think of that person.
Do you feel that way about everybody?
No, only when I think of that person.
What happens when you're with that person?
I get warm...
Like I'm glowing inside.
What if you can't be together?
It hurts.
It really, really hurts right here.
Like you're about to die?
We can't die.
We can't die because we're not alive.
Perhaps not.
But it feels the same as if we could.
Because we are them.
I hope we can be happy someday...
When you find you're someone just for you.
But...
If we don't become happy...
If the someone just for me knows all the things I can and cannot do because I am me...
And he still doesn't choose me, then...
Then...
I will have to decide what to do...
About you...
And about us...
What is wrong?
It hurts.
If the someone just for me does not choose me...
I'm afraid the hurt right here will be so bad...
That I'll stop working.
It's a powerful feeling, isn't it?
A hurt so strong it can cause you to break.
There are no peope in this city...
But...
But through their windows, everyone looks happy inside.
Are these people truly happy?
And...
Are they truly happy?
I am surrounded by people who stay inside with them...
All that I want right now, more than anything else...
Is to be with him.
The glow inside is brightest when that person is near...
And the pain inside hurts more when he is away.
I am happiest when I think about that person...
I am saddest when I think about that person.
That person makes all my feelings more intense.
That must be what love is.
So please...
Let the person that I love...
Be the someone just for me.

-------------------

A Warm Heart
This city has no people...
But...
The light burning in the homes...
Is warm and bright.
I am in a city with no people...
But I'm not sad or lonely.
My heart glows.
I am one of them, but I still feel warm inside.
That's because I love this person.
The heart of someone who's...
In love...
Whether that person is alive or not...
Is kind and warm.
If my heart is this warm...
If I can be this happy...
Then I wish taht all those like me can fall in love...
And that all of them will have their love returned.
The love we feel may not be the same...
But it doesn't matter when I'm with the someone just for me.
If we can all find that special person..
Then the world will be a most joyous place.
Then...
This city...
Will have no unhappy people.
It's the special city that has...
The someone just for me.

Are you the one who is just for me?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Two Souls

Ciel? Alois? Who do I admire more? Both of them! ^^
Don't know why many people hate Alois so much. I thought he's great, no matter how he acts.

But how can Claude rob other people's (so called 'devil') dinner?
Mix up two pathetic souls together, mix up their memories, and the worst thing is...
He made Ciel forgot about Sebastian.
Even, he made Ciel hate Sebastian as he's the one who murdered his parents plus Alois' memories, he murdered his younger brother!
Though I like both of them, but definitely, I'm sure of it, I don't like their souls mixed up together.

When will Ciel remember how he should be? When will Alois come back?
Miss them so much...

Yana Toboso Sensei, how are you going to continue the story?
Hope you can make a better ending.
'Cause no matter how I'll still watch it to the end. ^^

Victoria

Friday, July 2, 2010

Kuroshitsuji II Op and En

I can't believe it!!! Ciel is still in Kuroshisuji II (at least his physical state)!!!
I'm so happy with this! T^T I'm very touched!

By the way, the opening: Shiver from Gazette was nice with the MV.
The ending: Bird from Matsushita Yuya is sooo sweet!!! >.<

I'm fall in love with it! OMG...
He's sound just so nice and successfully make the song sounds so sweet and touching. I felt like crying when I first listened to it and saw Ciel in the MV.
I knew I always can count on Yana Toboso-san! I knew Ciel will come back! T^T
Thanks for letting Ciel appears again (no matter in the story or the MV)!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Kuroshitsuji II News

Hey, everybody!!
Kuroshitsuji II is coming in July!!
I think Malaysia will have to wait till after July 'cause they actually changed the release date.
The official release date was 1st of July initially, but due to something, they changed.

The official website is www.kuroshitsuji.tv
Hope everyone can share the official news. ^^

Friday, June 25, 2010

Birthday to myself

Yesterday was my birthday.
Many people wished me happy.
Very ordinary.

The best present was given by my mum: RM50. XD
The second was Sook Yin's: "11 Eyes" DVD.
The 3rd were Xin Ya's and Mickey's birthday letters.
The same rank as the 3rd was from my bro: mobile phone bag.

My dad didn't even know it was my birthday.
I have no cakes and candles but I don't care about it.
Birthday doesn't mean much to me.
Days will just pass away even nobody knew it.
But I really appreciate the presents, thanks to all of you.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Fading days

Bonjour, comment allez-vous?
Holiday's gonna end. Feel disappointed. I wanted to study but I didn't, I wanted to play my violin but I didn't. Well... Guess I'm lazy enough. Besides of finished 3 anime and a drama, I did nothing.
Je n'aime pas... Je n'aime pas moi...
French is the only thing I've learnt in this holiday...
I learnt a song. It's like ABC, named 'L'alphabet (Chantal Goya)':

Apprends l'alphabet en chantant
Apprends l'alphabet en riant
Apprends l'alphabet en jouant
Pour qu'un jour tu deviennes le plus grand

AB-CD-EFGH-IJ-KL-MNOP-QR-ST-UVW,
Les trois dernières lettres sont X, Y et Z
Avec moi !
AB-CD-EFGH-IJ-KL-MNOP-QR-ST-UVW,
Les trois dernières lettres sont X, Y et Z

Vous avez bien appris votre leçon
Un jour quand vous serez grands
Vous pourrez lire de belles histoires
Et les raconter à toute votre famille
À votre papa
À votre maman
Et à vos petits frères et sœurs
Et aussi à vos grands-parents

AB-CD-EFGH-IJ-KL-MNOP-QR-ST-UVW,
Les trois dernières lettres sont X, Y et Z
AB-CD-EFGH-IJ-KL-MNOP-QR-ST-UVW,
Les trois dernières lettres sont X, Y et Z

Apprends l'alphabet en chantant
Apprends l'alphabet en riant
Apprends l'alphabet en jouant
Pour qu'un jour tu deviennes le plus grand

AB-CD-EFGH-IJ-KL-MNOP-QR-ST-UVW
Les trois dernières lettres sont X, Y et Z
AB-CD-EFGH-IJ-KL-MNOP-QR-ST-UVW
Les trois dernières lettres sont X, Y et Z.

Today is my bro's birthday, wish him a happy birthday. =9